Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall.

Dunno why i suddenly have this nursery rhyme playing in my mouth over and over again. But i need to kinda reword things here

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall,
broken humpty put his blame on the wall,
dumpty did not see what it was for all,
did he not try the balancing act,
realising not where was the fat,
he should have been wiser for sure should have been dumpty,
and seen his head was all but empty,
thanks to thee the fall was not bad,
but humpty is a little sad,
pray for humpty that he may,
rise again and not bow in dismay.
for humpty dumpty is to climb another wall,
and again go through it all and fall,
coz humpty dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall.

adios
chaos

Tell Me your dreams

Have you ever sat back and thought about the dreams that you have? No i am not talking about the ones that stem from your ambitions, your desires, your goals etc. I refer more to the sudden unconnected chain that props up most unexpectedly in your deepest of slumbers, and leaves you wondering what it exactly was?

One of my own favorite pass times is to sit back and think about such dreams that have remained etched in my memory. I always like to think about how they would have come, because i do think dreams are always a manifestation of something you perhaps have been thinking of, even if only in your sub-consciousness. And yet try as i might sometimes it just doesnt make sense as to where it came from.

Let me try and describe some of the dreams of which i have no clue why they occur. Some of them are amusing, some terrifying and some downright disgusting.

1) Let me begin with one that though has not occurred in a long time now, always sends a shiver down my spine whenever i think of it. As a young kid, i always had this dream, wherein i was falling, falling from a great height, and just when i was to hit hard solid ground, i would wake up, in a sweat. I never could relate it to anything. I mean everytime i had this dream, i would try and think of how and why did i fall. And i never did have any idea. And this was a recurring dream, which kept resurfacing every now and then. Now it has been some time since i have had this dream, but whenever i think of it, i still get the goosebumps.

2) I have had dreams of my close and loved ones suddenly dying. and somehow i see myself standing alone, yet absolutely dispassionate, as if death was the most mechanical and matter of fact thing to have happened. and i hate this dream. because it makes me hate my own self, to be seeing my those i love go away from me, and yet be so nonchalant about it. Paints a gory picture of my own self.

3) I do have my share of amusing dreams too. Once i dreamt i was getting married, and on the day of the ceremony i see my bride to be all upset and weeping. Why? because she lost one of her shoes, or rather someones stolen one of her shoes. So i am now runnin around looking for that one shoe here and there, and i finally manage to locate it, and when i give it to her, her eyes light up like anything. Woosh. thats about it. Funny eh? of all the things one would like to be seen doing on his big day, this really wouldnt be the thing to do. And try as i might like to see what this meant, i have no idea where i got this one from. It was like a bolt from the blue, and it had me laughing the whole day.

4) i have dreamt of trying to reach the end of the universe. And i never reach it. Because somewhere it completely shuts off the imagination, when you start to think of what is the boundary, what lies beyond the boundary and what beyond that beyond. Its like an overwhelming sense of emptiness that engulfs me each time i dream this. and i feel so small, tucked away in a remote corner of this universe.

Of course there are so many other things one dreams of, related to events and happenings in ones life. Most of them you can connect to something. But some like the above, remain just as unconnected and an enigma as you could think of. only to leave you in a state of trance everytime you that dream.

Dreamer is a self-confessed expert on interpreting dreams. he really is able to think through a lot of them, and give reasons that would amaze you. Maybe someday ill ask him to interpret some of my intriguing dreams for a change. But not now. sometime later.

As of now, would like to tell me your dreams?

Orkutting Chirkutting and all

Ok i am right now in a hurry to rush to office, but i just had to write this, after the news i read, with an agency set up by the Indian government called the Indian Computer Emergency Response Team, thinking of banning the site orkut, following attacks by some senseless people because of derogatory communities / comments on some personailities etc.

And i guess i am disgusted. I mean what the heck? this is a world of more than 5 billion people, if i am not wrong, a decent ( correct me if i am wrong) percentage of that are now logged on to the net now, and a significant chunk of that would perhaps be on orkut. Now all these millions of people have different opinion, tastes, lines of thoughts, some intellectual,some downright pervert, and so on and so forth. so? Some crazy dimwit decides hes had enough of treating of a particular personanality as a God and decides to create a community to lambast that particular community. Crazy enough, as if it should in any way affect that personalitys ways of going about? or better still another jerk creates a " we hate so and so country" community and another couple of jerks join in. So?

We get all perked up and agitated and want the site to be banned? is that logical? i mean you dont like a community, dont access the webpage, dont read the comments. Why get so hyper about it? Just because someone writes something wrong about my country, or my religion or my god, or my role model, does it mean its going to change my faith/ leaning towards. True even i would perhaps get hurt, but so what, am i supposed to vouch for a uniform civil code thingy here.

And on top it all, rather than streamlining these silly protestors our good old authorities want to ban the site. Simply because its free, it does not want to take any actions, because it respects everyones lines of thoughts / opinions ( even the perverts if i may say so). Fine enough boss.

For a lot of us out here on orkut, the site is a means of getting in touch with long lost freinds, catching up with them in this world thats fast running away like a Bullet train. we really dont bother what else goes on here, and if someone amongst us even does, to him his space, so long he/she does not expect us to follow suit. Plain and simple.

To be sure, there are more important things, such as school going children getting addicted and wasting hours on the net when they should be studying / playing etc. that is a matter for parents to deal with. and parents could perhaps be given a slight education on what the site is and what so many other sites are. In fact strangely enough no one has paid heed to the fact that the site also has a number of pornographic communities that are more harmful atleast for the young impressionable minds, than some silly we hate you-you hate us stuff. Perhaps that age old adage of Sex-Sells stops people from looking at that aspect and checking ways to stop that menace.

Anyways, its been a long rant. I sincerely hope that people start to look at the broader picture than such stupid miniscule thingies. Off late this narrowmindedness on major issues seems to have really caught on like a wildfire everywhere. would write something on that later.

Mere desh ki authorities, mature for a change pleaseeeeeee.

Of Heroes Warriors and Paladins

This ones dedicated to my own self. I thought about doing a little bit more of self praising and self patting on the back. and so took this test at this site called howtobeahero.com.

and well the results you can see on the right hand side.

Did i not tell you i am the epitome of humility. :D.

p.s. - you make the test at the site indicated. However, a working knowledge of Harry Puttar and Lord of the Rings is a must.......:D

Mujhse Dosti Karoge?

I tell you i always admire the grit and patience and you know what of my bestest freinds, for the simple fact they have me for their freind. No, no i dont mean i am the meethi churi kinds who will take a freind for a ride, but i do have some peculiar things up my sleeve, which well sometimes could just be handful. and though its just me out there, i just thought let me see what i can say about my own self.

Let me now begin.

1) I am Selfish - Period. I am one of the most selfish blokes around here. and i consider it a virtue.Everything i do, i do it for me ( a nice modification to the Bryan Adams song there aint it). No i mean it. If i ever i told you, that look this is what i did for you, and this is how you got back to me, please feel free to come over and give me a tight slap. ill take it. because i firmly believe that no one does anything for anyone else in this world, except for his own self. And so when i make some good freinds and try to maintain contacts through and through, i do it for my own self. I do it, coz those few best freinds somewhere are making my life more meaningful. Thats about it. a plain simple selfish reason.

2) I am highly demanding - So the next time i go over to her place, princess has to find me a cute bengali kudi who also is a vegetarian. Dreamer had to actually get a harley davidson and a mercedes when i met him. See it told you? i am really demanding.

3) I am highly emotional and temperamental- Yep i am. and trust this is one facet i wish to change albeit not completely. Sometimes, high on emotions makes me lose sight of the bigger picture and focus on trivial petty matters. and that is really not very endearing to you my good freinds i guess. and guess i look upon my freinds to help me change this aspect to that extent.

4) I am a patient listner - Yeah this is something i can say i am proud of. i generally am a patient listner. subject to point no 5, i can listen to you at length, whenever, whatever the time or place maybe. And even if i may not understand your point of veiw or exactly agree with it i will atleast listen to you, subject again to point no 5.

5) Advice is the only thing in this world that is free - i could be a poster boy for this "give advice always" campaign if and when initiated. like i said in point no 4, i can listen to you at lenght, but you have to listen to some of my advices again and again. Some may be rational, some a little impractical given that i am not one in the actual situation, some perhaps downright senseless, but theyll come. small, big, fat, thin, black, white, grey, all kinds of advice. philosophical, personal, professional, i give advice. They say in fact i could become a counsellor someday. trouble is, how many clients would i have?
And no i do not take it personally if you do not follow my advice. Of course you are in for it, if you continue to pursue that eye-candy i have been eying for sometime now, and which i advised you against it. Other than that, as long as you listen to me, its ok.

6) I am crazy - yep you heard it right. i am crazy. downright crazy. and so i keep doing all sorts of things. i have been nominated for lecturing on " how to give anonymous calls and scare the hell out of people"..........." how to send anonymous gifts and then act hurt when you realise, the person has not understood who it is (after all aur kaun hota princess??)"........this is just an example of some of the acceptable craziness i indulge in. the unacceptable ones? suffice to say my freinds know it.

7) I am a humble soul - Oh i am the epitome of humility. i mean i could go and be nominated for the most bakwaass blogger in the world and you will never come to know, except from my own mouth. i mean it. with me you will never feel as if you are walking alongside a walking-talking bragabond. unless of course its the 5 year olds bicycle race that i won the other day, by dressing as kiddo in chaddis and tshirt. after all mere chehre se meri umar ka pata nahin chalta. :D

Oh hell i wanted to complete ten points and now i am falling short of three. let me see, can someone help me complete them. but for that youll have to be my freind.

to kya aap mujhse dosti karoge? :). A huge bar of chocolate for the ladies who come forward, and a mug of beer for the gents. errr, could i add a good negotiator as one of the other virtues to that list. tell tell.

Shit happens!!!!!

Yeah it does, and it does to almost everyone on this planet.
So i was kinda taken aback when while chatting with an old pal of mine, he suddenly uttered to me, he couldnt believe shit could happen to me. Woah !!!!!!

Am i that special or endowed by the good lord, as to always be in his favorite books and never go through tough times at all??

Well yeah, i have been fortunate enough that the first half of my hopefully long life, has passed off mostly smoothly, with things pretty much always ending up good for me. And, yeah well, theres always scope for improvement, and one has always a thousand desires at any point of time in life,and he works towards them, or atleast dreams of seeing them fulfilled, or when he cant do anything about them, of hoping things would work out. But then things sometimes just go against you. And depending on your level of tolerance, you would or would not classify that as 'shit' happening to you.

But the fact is that shit does happen, and i guess its important for a lot of reasons. The very least i guess, is for you to appreciate what is the good that exists in here. For you to touch base with yourself, for you to realise that you are but a miniscule in the big big world, and much as you might not like, there are things are not governed by only what you like or dislike. Sometimes, guess it happens just to get you back to your ground, to your roots.

Having said that, it still is important to work yourself out of that 'shit', and try it does not happen to you again. Atleast not that type of 'shit'. a different one perhaps. but definitely not a repitition.

Woooh, i have perhaps never used one word so many times in such a short conversation. now thats some record of sorts.

Lets talk about the Birds and the Bees shall we????

Yeah, you heard it write, i want to talk about this. In fact i want people around me to talk about it, and the very important issue of sex-education in schools. because they ( the Maharashtra government that is), just last week banned it. Reason???? its against social values, against a 5000 year old culture, against the wishes of parents, who would rather let their children grow up all confused about their very own existence,or take recourse to misleading sources of information on the net and all, thereby creating bigger problems.and no, they are not the first, there are a number of other states that have already banned this.

Its silly, to say the least. I was just having a conversation with my father, who himself happens to be a doctor. And i am fortunate to have been born in a family where at the tender age of 14, when i went through the changes that nature hath in store for me, my father made me sit down and explained a lot of things, and gave me some sound advice. I am sure my mother did the same for my sister. And i was also fortunate enough to have a biology teacher in school, who when teaching this NCERT chapter called Life Processes II, that talked about the human reproductive system, explain it as clinically and scientifically as possible, without resorting to being emabarrassed ( we had another teacher in the same school, who would leave the chapter to be read by students themselves). And today as i talked to my father, he told me about how as a kid himself, he and his brothers and all used to be flabbergasted at the way things moved. They used to have no idea of what was happening, they were confused, scared, to the point they thought they were "sinned".And they had no one to help them, for that was the way society was then, closed, with fathers and mothers rarely talking to kids openly. The society was good in its own other ways, but atleast in this way there was something wrong.

50 years down the line, the story i guess continues. Atleast thats what one gleans from the reports that appear in the news. The repercussions though are far more serious. Children grow up confused, unable to go to anyone at times, resorting to questionable sources of information, and in the worst of the cases, become victims of child abuse, many a times at the hands of thier own relatives. A recent study published here in the Hindustan Times indicated, India had one of the highest incidences of child abuse. A simple solution to this problem was this subject of introducing education in a structured manner to school going children. I read report of a school starting almost from class 1, and progressing to impart knowledge based on the child's mental and physical progress. the younger kids are first taught about differences between a good touch and bad touch, and all. I liked the system, atleast on paper.

But now that has been banned atleast in this state. The reasons, to the say the very least, are absurd.They talk about preserving the culture of the country against westernization. Bah. Strange it is, that some of the actually bad things have been beautifully imbibed into our system, with hardly a whimper, while the certainly better thing is being cried foul against.

And the worst part that i read, was that parents are against the subject. I do not know how true it is. But if it is, well i hardly can believe that we have progressed. I mean for politicians to claim all this shit, is understandable, they always like to use culture shit to get votes. but for so called educated parents ( i do assume parents sending kids to school, and good schools, atleast have some level of awareness and education), to behave such, is sad.

It is an issue that is serious, that is deep. and i guess it requires gargantuan efforts by doctors, physchologists and the like to change the mindset of the people at large. Only then could the governments be made to change stance.

Till then, its sad, perhaps very sad.

Exquisite is the word

Trust Pritish Nandy and team to showcase emotions in their truest sense. And showcase they did. "Just Married". A beautiful and poignant story about two souls and their relationship, from complete strangers to sudden bonding by the system of arranged marriage, to the intial apprehensions to the new life, the getting to know and understand each other, the slow build up of trust, despite the one off tiff. A tiff, that is short lived and yet is natural when two people come closer and try to get on. But all this kaleidoscope of emotions, was portrayed in a way no other movie i know has done. Simple, yet touching.

The story. The boy and the girl meet at a common wedding, but no interactions. The girl is surprised her freind has become a bride without even knowing who the man is. The boy is equally astounded his freind has come from the US to become the groom without knowing who his bride his. Ironically, the boy and the girl find themselves in the same situation, wherein they are engaged after a while, without knowing each other at all. They voice their apprehensions and yet finally bow to their parents wishes and get married.

The movie explores the relationship as it develops between the newly wed over their honeymoon weekend. The intial formality, the girls inhibitions, the boy trying to understand her, the final breaking of the ice between the two, a small misunderstanding, a little bit of pain, as the two want to make-up but find it hard to do so, and yet the finale when they do start believeing they are made for each other. All this, beautifully woven into a poignant story. and interspersed by the romance between the 60 something couple out to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary, and that of three more couples. All in relationships of a different variety. yet bonded by that common thing, love and respect for each other.

And yeah they show the mellowness of age. when the protagonist, in a moment of frustrating at having had a tiff with his better half, asks why do people get close enough, if it only has to become a habit......why do people love if it just ends up becoming a silly habit. And the old man replies " If it had not become a habit, i would not fear for her when she gets sick, i would not get scared at the thought of age creeping on her".

A must see, sweet and wonderful movie this one.

Chaos

Life is Phoenix

I don't know why I have opened this document and what I am writing. Call it a multitude of things I want to right about, or call it a zero I have. But I just want to write something. There are different kinds of people in this world. Some who stay quiet, keep it all to themselves and move about with nothing but the fire raging within themselves. And there are those like me, who see no merit in keeping it to one's self, especially when it has no form ( which is the specific case with me). They take it out, examine it, turn it around, and view it from a kaleidoscope of emotions to see whether it makes sense. And if it does they see what to finally make of it. Guess both have their merits and demerits, but for my kind of people, what the world sees of us is as big show off kind of cribbers. I must say the former conform to a more courageous and better type, because they, in their silence are able to give form to the fire within and get something out of it. Its like how pressure and heat within the core of the earth's crust maketh a diamond. Release it out and all you have is a volcanic eruption which can do nothing but destroy everything around. Yeah destroy it does, but it does leave a fertile ground, with the lava sowing the seeds for a brighter future. The past however, is wiped out. Or so it seems. Because it keeps lurking right there, ready to spring upon you when you are not guarded.

Anyways, I actually am a big cribber. I do crib a lot about the situation around me. I keep analyzing and analyzing and over analyzing situations till they start to make a contorted sense which to me seems good. They did not say for nothing that I could make a good scriptwriter for one of those nonsense saas-bahu rhapsodies. That I am not one, is thankfully a good thing.

And today I am in a big mood to crib about everything. In fact no, I am in a big mood to crib about my own self. I somehow can't seem to understand what kind of an individual I am. I know it sounds strange from an individual who sometime back wrote something about how he was learning so many things especially after watching that movie by the name of Lakshya. But coming back to the man that I am, I am confused. Confused as to where I am headed. I take a decision and I am not able to reconcile everyone to it. I do things in full knowledge of the consequences and then crib when the consequences happen. Then why did I take the decision. If I am the one who continuously harps on being practical, then why do I follow myself to take a decision that somewhere is bolder, more ambitious and is perhaps not steeped in this thing called practicality? That emanates from a certain corner of the human anatomy which gives rise to the best and at times the worst of what they call emotions. That involves not me alone, but others around me too, other much better individuals in all sense of the word. Aah, practicality, now that's an interesting word. Years ago I remember, I used to keep doing strange things around me. I used to take strong stands, and when asked why I did not do it the practical way, I used to boast that only when you are impractical does change happen. Big words, I must say, but yeah I stated them. And no it was not only a boast, but a genuine belief in that statement. And yet today I harp on just the opposite. So what has changed the circumstances or me? Well, no points for guessing its me. In the crudest of the terms, I could say one tries to act like a chameleon because one wants to be practical. Well maybe I am one too.

And this word "practical" - its a beautiful word for people like the above, perhaps the weakest souls that roam on this earth. They just keep talking about how they want to do, what they want to do, and still find myself absolutely incapable of taking any direct step in a particular direction. So what they do is rely on time, and say that time and tide shall show where it all goes. And they keep harping on this silly thing called hope.

The other day I had an argument with a senior who said she would prefer calculated optimism based on proactive action to mere hope, which she likened to being the tool of a petty gamble. So am I a gambler? A gambler who put his odds on a bet, to see how it would turn, and now with almost all cards out, knows that his hope is not working out, and yet is waiting for someone like a Shakuni to throw in that heavily loaded dice that turns things in his favor. Again, it's like you cannot yourself load the dice, you have to rely on that someone else. And that someone never comes, and you keep hoping and cribbing about it, asking for time, which is always a precious quantity.

Spineless, gutless I must say. I hate em. I hate em like anything. They blabber to the world all the greatest philosophies in the world and when it comes to acting out on their own, they don't. All they do is keep waiting for that one instance. Which anyways doesn't come. Sometimes I like to ask, why do such people exist? Maybe its because the good lord has in his balance sheet a record of good and bad, and so that the good does increase so much as to become boring, they keep some of these souls. Guess finally they too have a purpose. They are actually not purposeless.

But something somewhere tells me, even these people one day turn to the other side. when they realise they do have some spine there, some gut there. maybe when the last feathers of the phoenix burn out the beginning cometh. See, there again i see hope.
Guess life is a phoenix.

Chaos

Thoughts

p.s. - this was written some time back. i just did not get the opportunity to post it

Its about half past twelve in the night and I have just got up after an
absolutely terrifying session of ‘The Omen’ on my laptop. Guess I am a
little late in watching this movie, but for its worth it, it was a
little scary. Of course at the mature ( I know some people would scoff
at that, but yeah I just realized I am 24 plus so I ought to be mature)
age I am, I should not be scared. Anyways, that’s not the point why I am
right now on the laptop. I have not been influenced by the devil to make
me stay awake when I should be snuggling into my blanket. It just so
happens that I am copying the movie lakshya onto my laptop and while it
gets copied I just decided to write something. Its been a while now.
This movie lakshya happens to be one of my favorite movies for a
different reason. The plot is set around the armed forces and for a
change they have stuck to the basics of an army life, without resorting
to a lot of rhetorics and mistakes ( colonel wearing a corporals uniform
and so on). The reason I like this movie, is because it makes me live
even if virtually, a life I dreamt of living as a kid, that of an army
officer. A dream that still refuses to go away, despite all the
practicalities of life that i am in. A dream, fresh from the eyes of a
star struck young boy, watching in awe those smartly dressed young men,
marching to the tune of Beating the retreat and numerous other parades,
the passing outs at the IMAs and the NDAs of the world and so on and so
forth. Of course what i am now, you wouldnt beleive an ounce of what i
said. Yepp, it is true however. I always did want to be one like those
brave souls. For some reason I don’t know, this movie does it all the
more, make me want to go there. Maybe it’s the music. I don’t know. An
army kid I have been all through, and now sometimes it just about feels
a little strange. I mean a couple of years from now, there would be none
of that life, that is once my dad retires. I know I would never have
been able to stay on as an army man for long ( atleast that’s what maa
has driven into me), yet that life has something in it.


Its been a rather long month this past one. Lots of happenings,
mishappenings and all. Office was never as hectic as has been past
month. And no I am not complaining. It feels good to have worked hard. I
was kind of very cozily settled into a rather mundane routine here in
my company. So for a change we really worked, nights, holidays, Sundays
and all. The whole also helped me get over some of the personal tensions
I had. Some failures I encountered. I must admit I am very bad when it
comes to losing. Or atleast I was till this time. I do claim I have
learnt to accept and go around searching ways to turn things around. But
yeah only time and a further setback will really tell whether I have
learnt. The process has been painful, for me yeah, but more so for my
loved ones, my parents, my sister and some of my closest pals, who bore
the brunt of my shall I say moods.

And now that I see it, I realize that always however big I consider my
problems to be they are always very small compared to what those around
me go through. The lord has been good to me all the way. And guess he
just wants me to get a little stronger and learn to fight out things. As
I see back I really have not fought much this while, with things very
much getting to me quickly.

Aah I like this song quite a lot. Ahem it’s a little censored coz it
talks about the sutta, and what happens when a smoker does not get his
daily dose of sutta. No am no smoker. But I like the music. I have
similar feelings for one another amazing song by the same group. Put it
on your laptop when you have a deadline to finish and you don’t have
time and everything is operating according to Murphy’s law. I swear this
one will help. It helps to channel the tension out. Try it. Oops, sorry
ladies this ones not for you though.

And in other news I am going to learn the salsa. Oh yeah I am , believe
it or not. I have bribed/cajoled/threatened a close friend of mine to
accept me as her partner. The only thing that remains is to make her
sign the consequential damages clause with me. You see I do like to
“throw my weight around”. So that risk needs to be covered. And my
friend she happens to be a good lawyer so I need to be careful.

Hmm, a lot of thoughts completely unconnected to each other, what say?.
I could go on. But ill stop here. More next time when I really have
something to write on. In fact I do have, but don’t know how to put it.


chaos

Silence

Just one of those days when i am sitting a little late in office. But the difference is that i really have no reason to stay late. i have some deadlines but that doesnt mean i need to burn the midnight oil. and yet i just dont feel like getting up. I am finding something here that hasnt been with me for a long time now. Silence.

Its been a long while since i have felt this. The overwhelming power of silence. And today, i am feeling it, taking it in, drawing a long drawn draught. Awhile ago i was working and listening to some music, and reading a few beautiful blogs. and then i stopped. I stopped working, stopped the media player, closed the blogs. and just sat.

Except for one more of my freinds, there is no one out here. and since he is busy doing some work, there is no conversation to make and so i am sitting in complete silence. oh of course there this ricketty old fan ( the table one mounted on the wall), with its continous whirring sound to give me company. Other than that. Silence.

Its not that i am in mood for an introspection or meditation or any of that sort. In fact these days i rarely feel like doing that. I am not even thinking about anything. Am just taking in this silence. Its calming , soothing to me.

Silence is beautiful. Sometimes i just walk out of my room in the dead of the night, and roam on the streets, when there is no one out. Just watch the buildings, the trees, the lights, all silent. Nothing. and then the solitary shriek of an owl that breaks it all.

and there are times when even in the midst of the greatest amount of noise you feel it. Sometimes even in the rush and the crowd and it all, you feel the silence around. You feel you dont connect to it all. But thats because you are connected to yourself.

A lot of things, a lot of emotions, a lot of feelings, ambitions, reactions, all mixed to color your life. and everything then colored by this one force. Silence.

Run

I borrow this title from Neeraj's poem.

Have you ever had this absolutely innane urge to run?

to run and to keep running forever. Run, no not because you are escaping from something ( you never achieve that by running anyways). But run just for the sake of running.

Run hard, run as fast as you can. Feel the blood rushing in your veins, the wind beating against your face. Feel the muscles strecthing, aching ( for someone like me, errrr, it happens a little too quickly :)), the body breaking. and then when the body finally wants to give up, you want to carry on a little more. so you force it to go on and on.

Its exhilarating. to do something only for the sake of doing it, not because you want to use it to achieve something. To do something like its the only thing left to do.

Just run.

Oh well, right now i might as well just run for my "billi".

Life...........You Sang to Me.........

Its close to midnight, and i am still in office, which is a little unusual for me, because i rarely get to stay beyond 5 in the evening at office. But had some work and just about wrapped it up. and thought to drop a few lines before i say goodbye.

I take the liberty of an empty workplace to let my computer play Marc Anthony's " You sang to me", for me. Its a beautiful song. Beautifully sung, great music. Strange that i never ever listened to it before. and now i cant stop listening to it the whole day. The song just does something to me. And no its got nothing to do with the fact that its a very romantic number. It just is cheerful, shall i say. lifts one up.

Just this morning i was having a long winded discussion about life and its idiosyncracies with a freind. A number of points we touched. Talked about negativity and positivity and the likes. About aims, hopes, aspirations, love, and so on and so forth. And i made a statement i had concocted some time back to him " Negativity has an aura of romanticisim that is irresistible, and yet i prefer the mundane positivity of life". Wont go too much into it though. had a long innings on that.

Tonight, i am feeling good inside. about a lot of things. About life in general, some special ones in particular. and that includes self too. Its like you get to speak to some people, some close ones, your dearest freinds, who touch you just at the right moment, the right chord, and you just wish you would fly out to the clouds.

Life does have its own ways. One moment, you think it couldnt get worse. and next, it couldnt get any better. Maybe its lifes way of telling you, bear with me, i have my own idiosyncracies. But i am with you. I love you and i am always with you.


to you my dear life, to you sire and to you princess.........i raise a toast. Let the music flow.

Adios for the night..........have a new mission to complete before next summer now.:)

ciao

A little bit of me

p.s. - i am republishing something i had posted long back and inadvertently deleted :). now a little updated

A liitle bit of me I have been looking at numerous places where they ask me to describe myself, and i find myself not being able to do the same. eventually i end up carping the same old stuff, stuff that 90 in a 100 would be using, something on the lines of " am still confused, am trying to find myself and such".
Now the very fact that i have been carping such stuff makes me think do i really do not know myself? Can it be possible that 22 years after i came into this world, i have no idea what i am, who i am, and questions of the sort? or is it that i am trying to hide myself behind a facade? does that then mean that i am scared to show myself to the rest, either because i fear the rest shall reject me or because they might harm me if they know what my real self is? whew.............that seems to be a really disturbing thought and would undoubedtly show me as suffering from a really serious case of self-deprecation.
However, coming from a science and engineering background ( though the latter is a little suspect), i have always believed, that in most critical situations the conclusion that is the simplest is generally overlooked, and only later does one realise that indeed it is the right conclusion. I shall make no mistake of that sort here. So let me simply dump the higly complicated analysis as of above, and think for a moment of a very simple reason, for my inability to describe myself. simply put difficulty in articulating in a concise form what i believe i am or worth or whatever.
Hmm that sounds pretty ok now. Now that i have solved the initial problem of why i am unable to answer such questions, let me see if i can now try and actually answer the same.
About me. Well to start with, i am in the 23rd year of my so far not very long life, having recently passed out in chemical engineering from a reputed instituion, and completed two years in the corporate world.

Life so far has been good. School, college, all have passed in a roller coaster of sorts. I have had my best times, my worst times ( which actually were not that bad, only they seemed so at that time), have learnt quite a few things and yet feel there is so much to know, have changed myself in many ways, even though inherently i still remain the same.............................a completely excitable, quick to temper, kid who is trying to grow into a man, and slowly but surely succeeding at it too.

I have a pretty large circle of freinds and yet when it comes to it, the number with whom i have a really close relationship are simply put countable on ones fingers. My buddies from school are perhaps the best. have 5 best freinds from school who have continued even after we passed out from school, went to different colleges and now working at different places. then there are another 5 -6 from college. Not that it really surprises me or makes me feel bad. at the end of the day, actually one gets to have only so many freinds. i mean look at it this way, there is also a limit to which one can expand ones horizons. plus i am really happy to have such a coterie of great buddies.

Yet there was a time, esp in college, when i used to really go out of my way when dealing with freinds. and what used to happen was that when my expectations were not fulfilled i used to get depressed. It really took me a long-long time to get over this kind of a mental makeup. But finally i did manage to do it. Thats one of my most important learnings from college. i could in fact write a book on the same. But i guess i wont do that here.
School and college have been very different playing and learning fields. Let me elaborate on the same.

I spent a great time in school. Was among the toppers in my class, pretty good in co-curricular, kind of a cyanosure of teachers eyes. All in all had a great time. Learnt quite a few things, though when it comes to the practical ways of life, there i did not learn much. Maybe its because we were so well protected from the outside world. We had our parents, our teachers and then our freinds whenever we needed them.
Perhaps the most important aspect of life in school was the element of innocence it carried. whatever we did, at the end of the day, there were no hidden agendas, nothing.
and then those golden days ended. and we came to college. that was the first time i went out of home and stayed alone. Thats when i can say the real lessons in life as a whole started for me. Perhaps the biggest lesson for me was how to become more and more flexible in ones approach to life. that was one thing my parents had always told me i lacked. here i did develop a lot of sense of flexibility.

Of Course, i also had some setbacks. Academically it was all the way down the ladder. i simply did not study in college. Got involved in emotional distractions and wasted a lot of time. Looking back, i almost yearn to go back and rectify this perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. This unnecessary emotional distractions was one hell of a bane for me. Cannot blame anyone else for the same. But yes i should never have done that. Anyways, as they there is always a rise after a fall. So at the end of the day, i learnt my lesson well, my academics though they suffered but i still go a decent grade and finally landed up with a good job in the corporate world.
College life indeed has taught me so many things. In fact there are so many things that i am still trying to inculcate into my life. Havent really succeeded but i hope to do so soon.

Its now been two full years in the corporate world. The learnings here have been basically more of a professional sort. The one thing that i have been learning more these days is how to handle your finances when you are your own manager and not your parents. ha ha ha ha.

Sometimes, when i look back, i feel pangs of nostalgia at the times spent. So many times do i wish i could go back and relive all those moments at school and college. so many times, have i wished to go back and change things. But then whats done is done. I guess my emotional quotient is a little too high for todays world. but then thats the way it is. maybe with a little more time, that will lower.

At the end of the day, i find myself asking myself, do i really feel i have anything to regret???? No, an emphatic no. I might introspect on past doings and misdoings, but thats all part of life is it not. Misdoings are for you to learn from and make sure you dont repeat, not to brood or regret upon.
Life goes on, like a song,
adios
Chaos